Life is full of firsts. Your first steps, words, bike, car, kiss, sex, scar, stitches, wedding, and job with a paycheck are all things that you or others will remember in vivd detail. I want to relive one of these firsts with you all. If my parents or pastor are reading this right now, they should probably stop reading here. That's right, I'm going to tell about the first time I was....how shall I put this...overserved? I overconsumed? Hell, let's just call it what it was- drunk.
Disclaimer time- I in NO WAY endorse underage drinking, or irresponsible drinking for those of age. The law says 21, so to drink before then is illegal. If you are 21 or over, please don't drive drunk. I have a family member that is dealing with serious repurcussions of that very act right now.
Okay, back to the story. It was the summer between 8th and 9th grades, and I spent almost every waking minute with my friends Brett, Greg, and Jason (I won't use their last names, but if you knew us in high school, you know exactly who I'm talking about). Brett had a dangerous combination of a walk-out furnished basement, parents who went to bed early, and a brother who had access to alcohol. His brother got us each a two liter bottle of Purple Passion. Yes, the stuff that tastes just like Welch's grape soda, and is made by the same folks that make Everclear. I had drunk a beer before, and tasted schnapps, but this was it- this was the night we were going to prove we were invincible. We loaded up our luke-warm bottles of Purple Passion, and headed to the creek that crosses Lackman at about 83rd street in Lenexa, KS. Gulp, gulp, burp, burp, giggle, giggle, we each finished our two liter. Now at the time, I didn't realize that it takes a little while for alcohol to get into your system and do its nasty work. We walked back to Brett's house, sneaked in the back door, and all passed out on his floor. In the middle of the night, I woke up with cotton mouth, a searing headache, nausea, and I had to use the bathroom badly. Since the basement was pitch black and I was not in a good state of mind, I was having trouble remembering where the bathroom was. As I stumbled around, someone else heard me and flipped on the lights. When they did, I was face to face with some gnarly looking dude. After screaming at the top of my lungs in surprise and falling backwards, I realized that the person staring at me was....me. I was looking in a mirror. I did my business, and fell back asleep on the floor.
I have never been able to lie. Just ask my parents or my wife. Oh, I have tried, but just could never do it very well. Plus, I have always had a guilt complex that makes me beat myself up over any wrongdoing. At any rate, the next day my mother noticed that I was eating advil like candy, drank every ounce of orange juice in the house, and was in a bad mood. She knew exactly what was going on. To their credit, my parents didn't take an alarmist stance, but rather gave me a talk that went kind of like:
"How do you feel"
"Are you going to do it again?"
"Okay. Now, go mow the lawn."
I will say that I pretty much held to that promise throughout high school. I just wasn't much of a drinking guy- plus, we had to sign the contracts for sports saying that we would be kicked off the team if we got got with alcohol or drugs. Looking back that was the first, and last, time I have ever drank Purple Passion- which is a good thing. As for being inebriated, there have "allegedly" been other incidents since then, but everyone remembers their first!
More Random Facts:
I have had pet cats, an iguana, scorpions, snakes, fish, geckos, and dogs (including a deaf pitbull named Zeus, although he didn't know his name because he was deaf.)
My first girlfriend was Jennifer Kaufman, in Littleton, CO. We went worm hunting in the gutters.
I can't stand Celine Dion
I have never smoked weed, or taken any illegal drug
If I could choose another profession, I would want to be a country singer or a stand up comedian.
Cheers, and have a great weekend!